No Matter How Much I Hurt
by Chibinaoka
Summary: Freya muses on her forbidden love for her "someone just for her" during a rainy day. SPOILERS if you do not know Freya's complete story in the manga version. Please R&R.


_Disclaimers: Chobits and all related characters belong to CLAMP. I claim no ownership of the series or its characters; I'm simply barrowing them. No copyright violations are intended. I do own this fan fiction and I ask that you please don't archive this fan fiction without my permission.  
  
Author's Note: I do the best I can to spell check but English is my second language so please forgive any mistakes you might find that I missed._  
  
**No Matter How Much I Hurt  
By Chibinaoka  
**  
Although the sun had risen for a few hours, it was not visible in the sky. Dark clouds replaced what should have been a sunny spring day. The rain had started when the stars where still in the sky and it still hadn't left. Freya stood at her bedroom window, looking at the raindrops gently slid down the glass. She was disappointed. She was hoping that she would be able to go out for a walk under the cherry blossoms along with the rest of her family. But the pretty blossom filled branches hung low because of all the rainwater they had received.  
  
Freya looked down at herself. She was wearing a beautiful old style kimono. Pale shades of blue mixed with darker ones all along the satin outfit. She had pictured herself in it last night and how pretty she though he would think she was. But now it seemed like a waste to dress up so nicely when the weather was so gloomy. Never the less, she decided to wear the kimono. After all, he was the one who had bough it for her. She recalled the first time she had tried it on. He told she look beautiful, just like a princess. She was his princess. His words echoed in Freya's mind. His gentle voice made her heart soar as well as ache. Freya brushed the memory from her mind.  
  
She had put blue ribbons in her hair and as she tried to desperately push away how it felt when he gave her the kimono, she pulled them out. She let them drop to the floor before placing her hand against the window.  
"No point in looking pretty now."  
But it was a lie. Although she could not go for a walk under the cherry blossoms, she still wanted to look pretty for him. She wanted to see the smile on his face and for him to call her beautiful. So she wore the kimono. Only she was having trouble leaving her room. Conflicting emotions where brewing inside of her. If you could call when she felt emotions. No they where not emotions, not real ones like he could have. But they felt real to Freya. She loved him. It took her a long time to realise that what she felt for him was love. She called him 'daddy' even if he wasn't her biological father; even if she was just a machine. The fact that she called him daddy made her question what she felt for him. He was the one who created the programming that was inside of her. Using that exact same program, she saw him as special. Now she wanted to be with him. But she couldn't. He already had someone special.  
  
Freya though of her mother and her gentle smile. That smile was the reason why she didn't want to admit her true feelings. She loved her mommy and she didn't want to make that gentle smile disappear. She hated the fact that she envied what they had. Everyday she tried to repress that feeling of envy as well as love. Alas, sometimes she couldn't help but smile just a little bigger when he looked at her.  
  
Freya watched the raindrops slide down the window and around her hand. If she was able to cry she would. She wanted so much to stop the things she felt just as much as she wanted to be held by him in a special way. Freya removed her hand from the window and hid it in her long sleeve. She raised both hands which where hidden by the sleeves to her chest.  
"My heart isn't real yet it still feels like it's in love. What I feel seems so real. But I still can't acknowledge my heart or my love. Not without hurting my family."  
Freya looked up at the sky trough her window.  
"I love you...Ichiro...I love you but I'll never let you know. No matter how much I hurt, I'll stay quiet."  
  
As the rain began to come down harder, Freya collapsed to her knees. Her head low, Freya closed her eyes and let the sky shed the tears she could not.  
  
**The End**


End file.
